…..and they lived happily ever after. This is how all fairy tales end where the prince and the princess after various trials and tribulations, finally marry and ‘live happily ever after’. In childhood, we are enamoured with these stories and this desire for ‘happy endings’ continues in adulthood. But why are these ‘happy endings’ prevalent in fairy tales, not so common in real life?
Men and women, when searching for their life partners, often search for people with common interests, belonging to a similar profession and from a similar background. They feel that their shared interests will serve as a strong foundation for their marriage. The assumption is that ‘understanding’ and ‘adjustment’, key words to make a marriage work, would become easier with commonalities. They want to work together, relax together; they want as much togetherness as possible. Does this always work? Not necessarily.
Said Kahlil Gibran:
“Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love.”
Togetherness is important, agreed, but not at the cost of individual growth. Both the people in the relationship will have their own personalities. Excessive togetherness may hamper the development of the person. There will be activities which each of them enjoys doing on their own. Too much of ‘being together’ can be stifling. In fact for the marriage to thrive, what is more important is that the two people who comprise it should be happy and contented.
This togetherness, where one can’t live without the other may seem very romantic in the first flush of love. However, with the passage of time, this may metamorphose into morbid possessiveness and jealousy. One partner may not want to share or spare the other partner, all the time wanting to be together and grudging every moment spent apart.
A loving relationship may soon turn to something else altogether. Elements of dislike, fear, falsehood will step into the married life of the couple as guests, gleefully causing havoc between husband and wife. Very soon these visitors will become permanent inmates.
“Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.”
If you and your spouse have common friends and hobbies, it is well. But if you want your own ‘me’ time, your own friends and own hobbies, there is no cause for feeling guilty. After all, one can’t cultivate friends and hobbies by compulsion. So your spouse’s friends need not and in most cases cannot be your own.
Your spouse may be a sports freak while you may have a green thumb. There is no point in forcing yourself to watch a long drawn out cricket match with your husband; nor should you compel him to take up gardening, an activity which does not interest him at all.
Sacrifices and ‘give and take’ are essential in a marriage, but that should come from both the partners. One should not behave in a manner which causes the other to lose self-esteem and confidence. ‘Be there’ for your partner, but don’t cling and don’t make your spouse feel claustrophobic by not allowing for individual space.
“And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
Author: Pratibha Shenoy (Basavanagudi, Bangalore)
It is said wonderful! It is commonto to behave with more comfort zone but prudent to keep this in mind