“I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers,” says Kahlil Gibran in the book ‘Sand and Foam’.
Bearing grudges is human; it is very difficult to shake off that feeling of resentment. Consider the feeling of rage or anger, where the poison from the system is spewed out completely at one go, though often with disastrous consequences. Contrast this with the feeling of rancour which works like slow-poison.
You may have a former friend who has belittled you in the past and who you are nursing a grudge against. If you care to notice, you will see that the friend is blissfully unaware of your animosity. It is your insides which are corroding with malice, you want to teach her a lesson someday. This feeling will remain long after you have forgotten the reason for the ill-will you bear her and all you will end up with is an ulcer.
The best way to do away with this feeling is to deal with it right away and not let it rankle within you. If it is something you can sort out with the person, just do it at the earliest and forget the whole episode. A lifetime of bearing venom is detrimental to one’s physical and mental well-being.
Most of the resentments we nurse are for silly reasons and we may be harbouring them even from childhood. It may be against a sibling for putting us into trouble, a cousin for a perceived slight, a teacher or even a parent for unjust punishment.
When somebody very close has hurt me, I try to remember at least one good turn which that person has done. This makes me feel better immediately. The problem is that we give ourselves so much importance that we think that people go out of their way to cause us trouble. When we remember the good that the other person has done , their supposedly malicious behavior is overshadowed by their past kindness or helpfulness.
In the case of parent, sibling or spouse, we have no business nursing grudges against them in the first place. Do we keep count of the number of wrongs we have done them? Don’t they forgive what we do and continue to love us however abominable our behavior? Then what right do we have to keep track of their supposed wrongdoings?
And if the person who causes harm is not somebody close, we have nothing positive to balance out the negativity. We may then have to adopt an attitude of indifference. When the person does not figure in our scheme of things, why should we bother what he or she does, however horrid? Why should we spoil our days bearing grudges against people we hardly know. Just forgive them and move on.
A Sufi poet put it across beautifully when he wrote:
“He who is not my friend – may God be his friend!
And he who bears ill will against me, may his joys increase.
He who puts thorns in my way on account of enmity,
May every flower that blossoms in the garden of his life be without thorns.”
Author: Pratibha Shenoy (Basavanagudi, Bangalore)
I hate it when people hold grudges or sulk. Speak you mind! Conflict is a natural part of human interaction and it can be productive.
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